The Imperfection Within Perfectionism

Lately, I've been grappling with something that has been both a challenge and a constant companion in my life: perfectionism. It shows up in different corners of my existence: relationships, work, day-to-day decision-making, and at times, feels like a shadow I can't quite shake.

The Roots of Perfectionism

Perfectionism, I realise, is rooted deep within me, stemming from childhood lessons that perfection equaled safety and lovability. If I could be the best, the most perfect, then I would be shielded from criticism, rejection, and feeling unlovable. As an adult, and as a therapist, I've spent years unraveling these beliefs. I've worked to reframe the idea that I need to be perfect to be loved, that I am enough just as I am, for myself and for those around me.

And for the most part, I've made a lot of progress. In many areas of my life (work, studies, even personal growth), I've let go of the need to strive for unattainable ideals. I've learned that I don't have to reach the highest peak to feel fulfilled. But as with many things in life, it's an ongoing journey that never gets fully conquered. The beliefs I've worked to challenge creep back into more subtle, nuanced areas of my life. They linger, silently guiding me in ways I can't always predict.

The Drive for a Meaningful Life

In my 20s, I was determined to make the most of my time on this earth. I wanted to live a life worth living. I was intent on taking charge, holding the steering wheel, and ensuring that my experiences weren't just fleeting. They would be meaningful, intentional, and full of purpose. This drive served me well. It led me to build a life that honors who I am, balancing work and rest, choosing a career path that aligns with my values, cultivating relationships that are deep and supportive. It's been a beautiful journey.

But now, as I move further into my 30s, I'm beginning to realise that this relentless striving, this determination to live a perfectly meaningful life, is starting to limit me. I no longer feel the same burning need to create, to build, to strive. My life, for the most part, is full: stable, joyful, meaningful. The intense pressure to always be "moving forward" no longer feels necessary, yet there's a part of me that still clings to it.

I find myself asking: Am I missing out? Am I making the best decisions for my future? Is this truly the best life I could be having?

The Paralysis of Perfection

It's a constant evaluation, a weighing of whether my decisions align with the life I've envisioned. It's existential, and often paralysing. The truth is, it's impossible to know. How can we ever truly know that one decision is better than another? How can we predict the countless outcomes, some of which are so unpredictable? Every choice feels like it could alter the course of my life in ways I can't even imagine. So I've started to wonder: is this constant evaluation, this pursuit of a perfect life, really worth it?

The truth I'm beginning to accept is that I can't control everything. I can't predict everything. And in trying to make the "best" or "most worthwhile" decision, I've found myself paralysed by the uncertainty of it all. The constant questioning has left me with confusion, anxiety, and regret. So now, I'm trying something different.

Finding Beauty in the Unexpected

I'm shifting my mindset from always striving for the best and most perfect to embracing the beauty in imperfection. I'm beginning to see that the moments of life that truly matter may not always be the grand, planned-out decisions. They could come from the mundane, the inconvenient, the unpredictable.

For example, I used to dread going to the grocery store. It felt like a waste of time, an interruption to my weekend. But I’ve begun to see it a little differently. 

What if the best moments in life are born from the smallest, most unexpected experiences? What if, on the way to the grocery store, I encounter a moment of connection with a stranger, or an insight that sparks my creativity? What if the mundane task of grocery shopping opens me up to the possibility of something new, something unforeseen? Something I would never know or experience, if I closed myself off to the imperfect, inconvenient and arguably down right boring experience of going to Coles on a Sunday. 

So while in the past, I would have avoided it, thinking I was making the best choice by saving time, making the most of my precious weekend time. But now, I realise that the decision to go, unpredictable and imperfect as it may be, could lead me somewhere beautiful, somewhere I can't predict. That it’s by stepping toward and not away from these imperfect experiences that we really live.

Returning to Trust

The more I reflect, the more I realise that I can't always make the best decision. I can't always know what will lead me to the most worthwhile life. So, I'm holding the steering wheel of my life a little less tightly. Maybe not completely letting go, but softening my grip. By returning to a place of trust that unseen forces like divine intervention and serendipity will drive things in the direction they need to go. Trusting that maybe things will unfold for a reason I don’t quite understand or comprehend. Trusting my intuition as my compass, instead of my perfectionism. Sometimes the most worthwhile moments come not from perfect decisions, but from the imperfect, unpredictable unfolding of life.

Embracing the Beauty of Not Knowing

And that's the beauty of it. Life isn't always about making the right decision or living the most perfect life. Sometimes, it's about allowing the world to surprise you, to step into the unknown, and to trust that things will work out as they are meant to. There's a beauty in not knowing, in letting go of control, and in embracing life as it is: imperfect, messy, and filled with moments that we can't predict but can still find meaning in.

So, I'm trying to stop evaluating every moment for its worthiness and start embracing the moments as they come. Because sometimes, the most meaningful life is not the perfectly curated one, but the one that allows for imperfection, unpredictability, and a sense of surrender to whatever life has in store.